i am afraid. again.

with our medicine & synthetically derived appetities, technological advances & communicational breakdowns, high speed connections with disconnections just as fast, we are irreparably disjointed. i stood in the x-ray machine for a long time, the doctor forgot i was there or perhaps my ears were not tuned to his instructions. but i saw on the wall the inverted black & white of my spine & it was curving & twisting & held together by something i didnt recognise. there are things inside of all of us that we wouldnt recognise if someone reached into our bodies & pulled out the contents, setting them on our coffeetables or bedroom floors. they have told me time & again that i shouldnt be bothered with it, but i try to forget & my heart swings around like a tetherball, making circles & tying me tight to something intangible but nearly perfect.

& one day i imagine that there wont be anything left to say & i guess i would like to know if anyone is okay with that. well, mostly just if you are okay with that. are you?

"I'm here with the cause
I'm holding the torch
In the corner of your room
Can you hear me ?
And when you're dancing and laughing
And finally living
Hear my voice in your head
And think of me kindly"

when i came home your music was still in my car but i turned it off. it will stay off for some time now. it makes me a little sad but a little hopeful, & when you divide the two i think it ends up to be words not numbers. & i have my guesses but for now my mouth is stuck together because they keep feeding me something but i think it's time to fix myself instead of someone else.