"well i'm staring straight into the face of hell
i'm so close & i cant even tell
& i'm so wrapped up inside
i dont have much to love"

peeling off like old wallpaper
& revealing what i wouldnt have touched in a million years
(but that was months ago
by now it has taken a life of its own)
sometimes i want it back
but now it is shredded & bits fall off everytime the ceiling fan whirrs
and pushes dust around the room
that held the mattress where you kissed me for the first time
one hundred pennies in a jar
i have been saving up for something
but for now i feel like the wallpaper
attached but not really a part of anything
you picked me out
what did you want?
my colors fade a little but i think now they are more becoming
(or maybe it's only the light of summer)

the only really heartbreaking thing of it all was the way you stayed to watch me get ready for bed...it probably wont ever happen again. & i am still in love with the way you have been in love with me, but that is a selfish sort of love & we both must be freed...i dont know what anything has really meant just yet...i am welcoming quiet corners & the silence of the loud music in my car. i still sleep with the teddy bear you gave me. he only has one arm & i guess that can mean whatever anyone wants it to mean.

i am building upwards like a pyramid
& with every new level i reach
parts of me have to fall down
to keep me balanced
so i am losing while i gain
but in that i must recognise
the finished product
& the final creation

we are pushing for a holiness we cannot understand.
we are afraid of the markings on the insides of our palms,
behind our ears,
on our lips.
we dont have to erase ourselves.
we need only to use the freedom we've been given,
within these rusting temples.

i am home but still driving away
& God throws the orange moon down in front of my face
as some sort of reminder
(i have forgotten, i have forgotten)
i would have given my very soul for something once
but now i am running from all of it
& wishing for a new home
i mean a place where i am held
(but held in an uncommon way -
to wake me & open me up)
after nights like this
we could sing each other to sleep
it's worth a risk
but it's never worth foolishness
tell me what i want
it's not that i dont want to think for myself
it's that ive done it over & again
& somehow always come up with the wrong answers

letters chain themselves together and fall off the tips of sandy tongues
to the spectator it's only nonsense
but all at once i am tripping over my own feet
and being glad for doing so
porcelain, ivory, plastic
no, no we are constructing roads
(& still i cling to the way that some people feel like home
regardless of the scenery)