Thursday, January 03, 2002
well, my wish came true. i am snowed in. it is strange - pretty and cold (like a lot of things are). time to be creative and work things out and be quiet. but i am having a hard time with quiet, controlled thoughts. tonight, i want what i say to be sloppy. much easier said than done. i spend so much time working to move, veil and replace words, that it is hard to just let them come out quickly. the words should sometimes be cold. or maybe naked. that way i can look them over and see the bruises and callouses. the places where things are coming undone. and that way no one will be surprised.
Tuesday, January 01, 2002
sometimes, i wish there were more pieces to hold
[when i feel quite far away]
but i do remember that there are fragments of nearly everything all around me.
something i wrote awhile back, about the difficulty i have with words -
the allegorical joy [10.15.01]
words pound inside of my head
gathering together
forming alliances
i'm ready to let them out
i dont want to hold hostages
prisoners of war
but your eyes arent careful enough
my words tremble beneath
not ready for such a tough audience
not eager to be quickly sorted
into boxes that i didnt have time to label
they ask to be let through in formation
i'm still learning logistics.
[when i feel quite far away]
but i do remember that there are fragments of nearly everything all around me.
something i wrote awhile back, about the difficulty i have with words -
the allegorical joy [10.15.01]
words pound inside of my head
gathering together
forming alliances
i'm ready to let them out
i dont want to hold hostages
prisoners of war
but your eyes arent careful enough
my words tremble beneath
not ready for such a tough audience
not eager to be quickly sorted
into boxes that i didnt have time to label
they ask to be let through in formation
i'm still learning logistics.
resolve.
a) stop being late.
b) be more careful about when to open my mouth and when to keep it closed.
c) be faithful in the little things.
a bit of an explanation of c. i'm sick of these halfways. getting away with things without even trying. using idealism as an excuse for not trying at all, if it cant be perfect. i dont want to be remembered as the friend who always had something funny or clever to say. in the end that is fucking trash. i want quietness to be meaningful. words consume me too much already. i want to be a person who helps people be the way they should be, or the way they are late at night when no one is looking. i dont want to be a meaningless parody or a halfhearted paraphrase. please, please know me. and let me know you.
i want to find ways to show christ through things that look to be plain or useless.
a) stop being late.
b) be more careful about when to open my mouth and when to keep it closed.
c) be faithful in the little things.
a bit of an explanation of c. i'm sick of these halfways. getting away with things without even trying. using idealism as an excuse for not trying at all, if it cant be perfect. i dont want to be remembered as the friend who always had something funny or clever to say. in the end that is fucking trash. i want quietness to be meaningful. words consume me too much already. i want to be a person who helps people be the way they should be, or the way they are late at night when no one is looking. i dont want to be a meaningless parody or a halfhearted paraphrase. please, please know me. and let me know you.
i want to find ways to show christ through things that look to be plain or useless.