far away from here is sun and spring and green forever.

something about being away makes everything feel new and awkward and ready to be held. but there is this fear that holding things too closely will result in somehow burning my heart. maybe even scarring it. i am not used to such temperatures, and i dont know if i am ready to become that exposed.

when is it necessary?

some danger is necessary. this is what i am learning. sometimes with my mind and not my body, and sometimes with my body and not my mind. both at the same time gets to be tricky.

it just leads to a cycle of questions and a determining of values. i want to be known and let the words that are in my head fall somewhere near your feet, but soon you will be walking away...there is a fear that you will just leave everything on the ground, not taking anything with you when you leave, and i will be left with less than what i started with.

the temporary is so difficult for me. but i dont want to lose out on beautiful things because ive given a definition to beautiful that has to be forever. everything starts out as temporal. and whether it continues often falls in my hands, at least in part.

i am sorry to everyone who ive disappointed.

please know that i love you. i am so thankful. so very thankful. if it isnt too much to ask, please be patient with me when i cannot express it the way that i should.

the letters and numbers had been all put together
i cant remember how or when it happened [was it given to me? did i find it? did i make it on my own?], but i was living off of a piece of paper tucked under my sleeve
and a bit of something written on the back of my hand
the paper is gone and the writing on my hand has been smeared from trying to clean myself up
it needs to be worked out again, a new math, gravity defying this time
but can the old be added to the new?
will i cancel myself out again?